Sunday, October 4, 2009 at 6:46PM | Post a Comment 
They say an old Hairless Ape can't learn new tricks. Well, Mama seems to be an annoying exception.
Every time she goes over to see Theo's mama, she comes back with some new-fangled idea. Theo has two sisters - Tara and Tasha - all chocolate labs, like me. Theo's mama knows a lot about how to look after dogs properly. I just wish she'd keep it to herself!
So the latest thing is this.
First Mama goes into the water room and does that buzzing thing that makes it look like she has rabies (freaked me out the first time she did that, but then she bent down and the foam was all gone).
Then she comes into the kitchen and makes me sit.
I know what's coming - I'm not stupid - and I show her that I don't like it, but she does it anyway - that's how mean she is.
She puts a little red thing on her finger and puts some chickeny paste on it. It smells like chicken but it isn't chicken. I know - I'm not stupid.
Then she moves my lips and starts rubbing this stuff on my teeth and she goes into my cheeks and behind my big defense-weapon-biting-tooth and she makes me open my jaws so she can reach the teeth in the back and I try to lick the stuff away but she just keeps going and sometimes she even puts more paste on the red thing and she rubs and rubs and I hate it and it just goes on and on and on...
I know I could bite her hand, but I don't - I'm not stupid.
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog
Hello Friends!
Today Mama took me for a walk in that place where she goes to talk to a nice lady for an hour. Sometimes I go with Mama when she goes to talk to the nice lady. I don't know what they talk about but sometimes Mama cries and sometimes she laughs but mostly they just talk a lot. It all seems very intense. I just sniff the room to see where the nice lady's Golden Retriever has been and then I lie down and sleep. OK, OK, sometimes I get bored and I sit in front of the door and make little noises, or I go up to Mama or the nice lady to be petted, but mostly I let them get on with it.
Anyway...
Mama took me for a walk before we went to the nice lady. We were walking between very big, very naughty houses. They must have been naughty because Mama kept sighing and saying "Fuuuuuuuuck."
Then we found a place where I could jump into the water! It was fun! There were rocks to sniff under and everything!
Anyway...
I keep losing track of the point of this story. Sorry.
So we are walking along and we pass a really cute, fluffy, white dog sitting in her Dada's truck. I said hello to her and she said hello to me and I said do you want to play and she said yes and I said but you are up there with your Dada and she said well screw him I don't have my leash on and she jumped out the truck window!
Mama let me sniff her and circle her and kept calling us to play next to the truck. We never got to actually play because her Dada ran round to where we were. Then I realized Mama had been calling us over to the truck to help Cute Dog's Dada grab her! Mama even opened the truck door so Cute Dog's Dada could make her go back inside!
Mama is a traitor!
She just wants to stop me from having fun with cute girl dogs! It's SO unfair!
So we carried on walking and I was pissed off.
I was thinking about how to get Mama back, but then I got distracted by some smells coming from a coffee shop and I forgot what I---
Is that beef? Mmmmmm....
What was I saying?
Oh, yes.
Anyway...
Then we stopped at a coffee shop and then Mama gave me a teeny tiny piece (she's so selfish) of her banana bread and then we went to see the nice lady and Mama talked a lot and then we went back to the moving den.
And that's when I got my chance for revenge.
Mama put me in the back part of the moving den, my special part. But she had the door still open and she was arranging things around me when a little dog walked past with a small hairless ape holding its leash. I decided I wanted to say hello and Mama was not going to keep me from playing this time so I jumped out of the back of the moving den to go see the little dog.
Mama must have tried to grab the extendable leash with her hand but I kept going and so the leash must have burnt her finger because she yelled "OW!" very loudly and the little hairless ape turned his head when she yelled and saw me running towards him and he must've got scared 'cos he looked pale but all I was going to do was say hello to his little dog. And then Mama was saying sorry to the little hairless ape's mama and sucking her finger and shooing me back to the moving den.
Mama needs to learn that dogs sometimes just need to play and say hello to each other.
HAH!
I think I taught her a lesson today.
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog
Hello Friends!
You know I told you a few days ago about how I am very precious? Well, Mama just proved that today.
She basically told me that I am a one and only.
Which makes sense.
Because I am the only me that is me, the only one who barks like me, eats like me, drinks like me, jumps like me, catches a ball like me and chases evil squirrels like me.
It feels great to be reminded of these things... complimenting people is a nice thing to do, remember that.
Well, it felt great, till Dogette stuck her wet nose into my business.
She said that Mama was being mean, and something about sour and a chasm. I said my kibble isn't sour and we don't live anywhere near the Grand Canyon so she should just shut up. Dogette said that I am dumb and that she is ignoring me.
But I know that Mama loves me and I heard what Mama said, loud and clear.
Dogette and I had just run to the front door and barked at the man in brown, and Mama said:
"That's right, Puppy Dog, bark at the UPS man. You're so original!"
See? See?
Dogette is full of crap.
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog.
Yesterday Aunty Kathy came to visit. I've never met her before and she was very nice. She scratched my head and behind my ears and it felt gooooood.
She was sitting on Mama's couch watching the flicker screen, so I jumped up to sit with her.
And I got yelled at!
What is going on? I always sit up there with Mama. What's wrong with it all of a sudden?
And what is "Brittle Bone Syndrome" anyway?
Hairless Apes are so weird.
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog
I don't know how, but now Mama is sick. And she seems a bit cross.
She keeps saying Dada "infected" her. I don't really know what that means.
Maybe he put it in her food. Maybe Mama lay on it when she rolled onto Dada's side of the bed. Maybe he made it look like a tennis ball and threw it for her and she picked it up.
Oh no, wait, Mama doesn't chase tennis balls... I do.
Dada told Mama that she should remember their wedding vows and that they shared everything... "in sickness and in health."
Mama hit him.
Very strange. I thought Dada was being quite romantic.
Anyway, nobody has walked me today and Mama has only thrown the ball once for me and it sucks.
This is sooooooo booooring.
...
AAAAAARGH!
What was that?
Oh, it was just Mama.
She made a very loud, strange "CHOO!" noise.
Sigh.
I wish I was at doggie day care...
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog
Hello Friends!
My pack leader is sick.
Mama says it's "Man flu."
She said that when Female Hairless Apes get a runny nose it's just a cold but when Male Hairless Apes get the same thing, they are "on death's door."
She didn't sound very serious when she said all this and Dada told her to stop being mean.
I don't understand why Mama would be mean to Dada - this is serious!
I want Dada to get better!
If he isn't there to be the pack leader, then it's all up to me!
I don't want to be pack leader!
You have to hunt and provide and take care of security and be work out all the time so to stay super-healthy and look after the whole pack!
It's a very demanding job. No more chasing balls and playing with squeaky toys.
I'd have to be working all the time!
Please get better, Dada!
Do you think he'll get better if I lick his ears? I'm going to give it a try...
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog
Hello friends!
There are birdies in a tree in our yard!
Mama tells me that I shouldn't go near them but they are PREY!
I am sure if I could just climb a little higher in the - PREY!
I know that I could get them and then chase whey they fly and - PREY!
Mama says that I am obsessed but I think - PREY!
Really it's not fair that Mama makes me come in-PREY!
I mean how am I supposed to deny my herit-PREY!
They're cheeping. PREY! PREY! Gotta go!
PREY! PREY! PREY!
Lots of licks and-PREY!
Today Dada took me for a walk up to the place where Hairless Apes go into strange dens and come out holding big paper bags full of treats that they don't share with me.
It was a lovely day so we sat outside a place that had a sign that said BEER in the window. I don't know what beer is but Dada and Uncle Tony sat on a bench and talked a lot and ignored me.
I was pretty bored until a Nice Lady came out to say hello to me.
She was a small, young Hairless Ape with very small furs. Hairless Apes change their furs all the time - I don't know why. Her's were very tight and tiny.
She was bending over me to stroke my head and ears and telling me that I was a good boy and so well trained.
I wanted to tell her that it had nothing to do with training, thank you very much, and that I am just a good boy and that she should please massage my left ear a little lower down, when I realized that all the male Hairless Apes had stopped talking.
They were watching the Nice Lady and me.
At first I thought that I someone had finally got through to them and that they were listening to the Nice Lady and acknowledging what a good boy I am.
But then I saw where they were looking.
They were all looking at the Nice Lady's teats.
They were poking out a lot. Not the nibbly bit, just the soft tennis ball parts.
I am not sure why male Hairless Apes like teats so much. Sure, they give you some nice food when you are a baby, but when you are a big boy, like me, there's really no point to them. It's not like they're a sweet butt to sniff, or anything.
Anyway, after a while the Nice Lady seemed to notice that everything had gone a bit quiet and she went away.
Stupid male Hairless Apes! I could've have had more ear massage!
Today I saw a message on a list I belong to from a woman whose next door neighbor's dog keeps pooping in her yard.
This completely amazed me.
How can someone allow this to happen?
Being a good Dog-Owner Neighbor is basic good manners. And it just isn't that hard.
First, to be a good Dog-Owner Neighbor, you need to have a fence.
When we rented the house we're in, there was no fence. Fluffy Bear duly enlisted the help of two friends, and off they went to the hardware store. They bought a roll of green wire fencing, and some poles. They came home, they opened beer, they got out the toolbox. There was some discussion, some cutting, some banging, and there you go.
There was a slight glitch when they didn't fence in front of some hedges and, beers in hand, in the middle of congratulating each other, they noticed Puppy Dog looking at them quizzically from next door's garden. He'd got out, and he didn't know how to get back in.
Another quick trip to the hardware store, some more cutting and banging, and the whole back yard was secured for about $150.
It's really that simple.
Second, barking.
Puppy Dog never gets beyond the fifth bark before he is cordially, but very firmly, invited to stop, come back into the house and retire to his bed, thank you very much.
Bill, a dear friend of ours, has a slightly more serious problem with Dogette, who has a piercing bark and can hear movement anywhere near her den through the front door. The postman has been chased down the street, barked and growled at, and the mail he put through the slot repeatedly ripped to shreds.
Bill bought a new mailbox that sits on the outside of the house and bought Dogette a shock collar. Now I know that there are other ways of training dogs to bark other than a shock collar, but Bill has some restrictions on his time that mean he can't give Dogette a lot of lessons.
The collar doesn't have to be on anymore. She just doesn't bark loudly - she makes soft growly noises instead.
Being a good Dog-Owner Neighbor isn't hard.
It's about the little things like remembering to take poop bags with you when you walk your dog around the neighborhood. It's about keeping your dog safe within the confines of your home. And it's about making sure your dog doesn't disturb the neighbors.
Anyone who can't do these simple things is an Asswipe.
Dear Squeaky Toy Lady
I guess you don't read my blog. Or, if you do, you missed the post about Dog Park Etiquette.
Because here you are, at the off-leash dog park, with not one, but two dogs with squeaky toys.
And you have the nerve to stand at the edge of the water and yell "Who's dog is that? Can I have my toy back, please?" every time my dog or that nice little yellow lab puppy swims faster than your dogs and nabs their toys.
It's not that our dogs are bad.
It's not that we are bad parents who haven't trained our dogs.
It's that our dogs... are dogs. And you have squeaky toys.
So here's what's going to happen if I ever see you at the dog park again and your dogs have those toys with them.
And then we'll see just how well trained you and your friends' husbands are.
How about that, Lady?
Puppy Dog is in Doggy Day Care today, playing with his pals.
Fluffy Bear, walking into his office and looking at Puppy Dog's empty pillow on the floor:
"Where's the dog? Where's the dog? I can't work with out the dog sitting there and looking at me in a loving and bemused way!"
Hello friends!
My Dada is worshipping a new god. I don't think that it is a major god, because it's name isn't Lord or even Sir. It's a Miss.
His new god seems to have a sense of humor, because she demands some strange rituals from her followers.
Every night, Dada comes into the bedroom and takes off his bottom clothes, till he is only wearing his shirt. Then he takes his undershorts in his right hand and looks around the room. Then he walks around, slapping his undershorts on the walls and sometimes the ceiling.
He hits very hard - maybe he wants to show his god his devotion.
He invokes her name: "Miss Keeto! Miss Keeto!"
Then he sighs and says "OK" and Mama comes.
I don't think Mama follows the same religion because, while Dada is doing this, she hides in the water room. And when she gets into bed she curses Dada's god! She says "Bloody Miss Keeto!"
Then we all get into bed and go to sleep.
It's all very strange.
Dada is so weird sometimes!
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog
Hello Friends!
Mama and Dada bought insurance for me yesterday.
Mama was muttering something about how I go up to strange dogs, get bitten and cost her $200, but I know it's because they think I am very, very important.
Dada agreed and said something about me eating a box of chocolates bought for Mama's colleague and nearly killing myself, but I know it's because they think I am very, very precious.
I'm like a supermodel who insures her legs!
Or a surgeon who insures his hands!
That's because I am beautiful, and I am very good at what I do!
I'm insured!
Heh!
I bet I am worth a lot, too. I bet I'm insured for a ton of bones and 100 boxes of doggie cookies and two truckloads of toys.
So how do we collect?
Lots of licks and woofs,
Puppy Dog.
